undecided virgin

2003-01-10T04:42:00.000-05:00

I've been reading my diary from when I was a little kid. looking at the huge scrawled words, only three to a line. seeing the page I glued together so victoria couldn't read it- I don't remember what was so secret anymore. it's funny when you realized you've barely changed. that even though you've grown up- that people tell you that you've changed, you havn't really. the same powers still push you forward. I feel trapped in the forth grade limbo- I guess it's not so bad- this has to mean something good will happen, don't know if I've reached the bottom yet.

jamie gets married in nine months and eight days. I won't believe it till I see it happen.

there is one thing in my life I've always wanted. well it's not really a thing- it's a not a man either. I've wanted it since I knew they existed. I hate that people don't think- I dislike that they don't claculate with simplicity

I dislike the fact that I ended up in a lonely family where no one is allowed to have strong ties. I don't want to be my mother in 35 years.

I got all A's in school this semester. I remember in third grade, the first year we got real grades- I was so close to all A's but I think my language arts grade droped and i got a b. I dont' really care though- it's odd- I didn't really. I mean I was a little bit part of the compition, but only because others thought I was smart- you know. I'm not even trying and I don't know what's happening.

I'm ready to be thirty- so I guess I understand jamie getting married- wanting this limbo of youth to end. I want to be established and all those things. whatever

2002-10-22T18:35:00.000-04:00

today was a waste of breath- but I am going on a jaunt in november. I'm excited.

2002-10-20T01:53:00.000-04:00

today- was a total non-day the only light at the end of the tunnel- the aquirement of a copy of Bitch.

2002-10-09T19:11:00.000-04:00
this girl who shall remains nameless pisses me off so much BECAUSE I DO FUCKING EXIST DAMN IT AND I DO HAVE A FUCKING NAME, but if you are just to good to aknowlegde my existence then be a total ass hole, I really don't care.

2002-10-09T19:02:00.000-04:00
I apoligize for the previous post, just a bad day, like all the other bad days. I woulod really talk about it, but I feel like such a retard- you know. I can still feel it somewhere, I can feel the dream, and it just makes me sad, almost violently so and it doesn't help when I peruse a life I don't have but was so close to. yeah and the stone came out of one my favorite rings, but I did go sit out on a bench and watched the red line crossing the river, it didn'tmake me happy just cold. I saw this guy who lives in 132 and I gave him you don't know it but someone ripped my heart out looks and somehow I think he understood. why do we go to public places when we want to be alone? ehhh.

2002-10-09T14:01:00.000-04:00
why do I do this to myself, fuck why, why can't I just leave it all alone, why can't I just mourn the past- the facts that leave me free floating, but I can't. I see them smile an dI know that there is no good reason that I wasn't allowed in, that I'm never allowed in. the reasons I'll always be the nazi loudmouth fuck up talentless thing. why the fuck am I still stuck in high school, why can't I fucking have fun- why do they fucking smile so much. I would tell you the wonderful details of my dream, but it's tooooo tragic, to close to my heart

2002-10-09T13:44:00.000-04:00
today is the kind of day that I'm gonna spend killing myself with memory because it hurts the most, more than any physical object ever could.

2002-10-09T13:35:00.000-04:00
I had the worst dream of my life last night, because when I woke up it wasn't real.

2002-09-14T13:37:00.000-04:00
expectation has gotten the best of me again, but this time I had an inkling and I have a plan. the plan the written word- which saved me before. it's hard cause I'm still in that limbo place and I havn't settled in, but I will. there is always a way to over come, but someimtes you are waiting for your ship to come in and in the end it wasn't your ship but instead the ship of your doppleganger and that is just the shits. ehh if you want to bring sunshine into my life send me an e-mail.

2002-08-29T15:08:00.000-04:00
ditto- in ten years I will be on the cusp of thirty. that doesn't make me feel old. I have no idea what I will be doing in ten years- I'm not very good about imagining a real future. in ten years I hope to have graduated from emerson and some masters program. I hope to hold a job that has something to do with writing and creativity. I won't have grown at least not physically I'll still be five seven and a half or five eight- I have no idea where I will be this continent another one- married or single. I will have sixty four year old parents living a world apart in different retirement communities. I will still be writing- hopfully will have published something by then. in ten years I hope to have seen new york city and florence. I want to conquer my fear of chicago and have sold some beadwork along the way. in ten years I still want to be firends with stephanie, karen, jamie, jen, diana and laura- in ten years I want to learn how to really write a letter I don't want to have to worry about money. it would be fantabulous if I could own a vw bug. but all in all in ten years I just want to be a better version of myself who has lived ten full years and experienced much.

I've packed three of my boxes only one to go. I still have to tweak the packing of my suit case and clean around the house. I closed my bank account and can't believe that I'm holding this much money in my hand- it's so weird. can't decide what I want for dinner. hmmmm.

2002-08-28T23:16:00.000-04:00
I can't sleep- I can't cry- I can't scream loud enough- I have a date with a pint of ben and jerry's and a mash rerun.

2002-08-27T21:59:00.000-04:00
I hate packing. I laways pack like my life depended on it- like I'm never gonna land somewhere like I'm gonna keep blowning around in the wind. I hate everything I own- I hate all my clothes I hate the silence I am hearing right now. it's all too much- it's too much to again be without a home- to have to decide what goes and what may not be seen for two or three years- I need somthing meaningful something right. I try so many things and half of them don't work- the other half don't turn out right- and right now I think that's who I am- some girl named kate who didn't turn out right. right now I am praying that my expectatiuons won't betray me and that any feeling of small forboading isn't founded in anything. I ddin't think I would be spending my final days here alone, but maybe it's better- you have to stay used to your situtation- right? can't let yourself get to attached because then somthing happens- it always happens. I really wonder what people say about me- it didn't hit me until an incident last year- I wonder what they say because I want to be better- to become somthing more- to be not so difficult- maybe they have fresh eyes on a subject that I've been dealing with for nineteen years too long.

2002-08-27T01:40:00.000-04:00
no more dairy queen- and I'm packing and it's all a mess- a complete mess. a mess in a lot of different ways- bu tI did write letters- send two postcards and sent out two copies of my chapbook to david and ruthellen and candy. nothing to say- my library book and I didn't work out and a I made a lanyard for my dorm keys- it took all the beads plus some others I had laying around. I'm stumped on birthday gifts and I need to live like I'm broke. I 'm trying to get ani tickets- will find out on the seventh if I can get some or not. I've taken to listen to late night country radio- lots of request shows. four months and I didn't write a damn thing. I just spent money an dworked. kind of ironic.

2002-08-23T01:50:00.000-04:00
there is someone I want to chew out so badly- get a little over dramatic with, but I can't- I don't have a right. if you havn't figured it out already I'm a needy person- I need lots of attention cause I feel that I get none and right now that is true. but I deal with it- I live my life and I know that this phase will end. it's almost the twenty third (or is infact) that lets my hopes down and I'm sad. someitmes I can't help but do this to myself. I keep playing ani and diana's mix tapes and watching the simpsons. I added some bead flowers to a pair of jeans and put slits in them and stuff- I really want to wear them- they're a little hippie, but I guess so am I. I think I'll be in boston over thanksgiving- I would say you could come and stay with me, but unfournatly no guest allowed in the dorms on vacations. I don't have family I have friend and I guess there are people who understand that and people who don't and

wasted on television

trying to impress a favorable adjective
to her lips
and we'll be friends
till she gets married
and I drop off the ocean shelf
into the Marianas trench

I wish I would just come out and say these things, butI odn't think my insanity would be taken well by others- I don't hink most of my emotions owuld be taken well by others. the sad thing about this year is that it won't be last year and I don't know what's going to happen- I don't even know if I will be spending a third year at emerson and if diana is gone does emerson lose some of it's spark I don't know- I don't want to spend my time alone anymore- I've has so much of myself that I don't understand anything any more that I can't htinkg straight- that I inflate my self importance.

fuck- I just want some fun- some frolick in my life and that doesn't come from tv and cinimon toast crunch- I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for everything- for all the advice I couldn't give the support I couldn't uphold- for every dumb thing I ever said- but then again I can't be sorry for who I am- I guess. real staunch statement there, kate.

I just want to talk to someone who understands what I say and doesn't htink I'm stupid- I want to crawl out of the quick sand.

around here the doors are always open
you just have the wrench your arm one way
and twist the knob the other
no one said getting in was easy

the house is not a home
it's a domicle with curtians
a card table
and endless peanut butter and jelly

waiting for a miracle
but you can't see me naked through
the windows
and what else is more useless

2002-08-18T23:55:00.002-04:00
you can get in touch for "rasberry or grape" at

horticulture@witty.com

2002-08-18T23:55:00.001-04:00
you can get in touch for "rasberry or grape" at

horticulture@witty.com

2002-08-18T23:55:00.000-04:00
the question is
raspberry or grape

http://classicsportsshoes.com/chucktaylorlo.html

see bottom of page.

think of grape with dark yellow laces and rasberry with purple laces.

diana you still rock- NI ni NI ni
thhhbnpt= as you can tell I just reached the end of mix tape number one and started the other\- and laughed out loud when I realised what sunday bloody sunday was.

2002-08-17T19:17:00.000-04:00
working, not sleeping and eating ice cream- sounds like a fun past few days.

Diana you are a ROCK STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! definatly digging "a tribute to the elastic waist band" havn't got to "21 years of techno folk" but I can't wait and I love the song hotel yorba and I think people are wierd when I hum that song or sing along wiht my windows open.

I think that I'm gonna have some lasanaga (spell check) and go see men in black two for three dollars.

2002-08-15T23:02:00.000-04:00
and maybe you can keep me from ever being happy- but you can;t stop me from ahivng fun- ad

talked with diana for a super long itme last night- mom isn't going to be happy when she gets the bill. in all I've talked to three people today- the checkout girl at jewel- some old lady and jewel and this woman I work with- the highlight of my day- checking otu fast time as ridgemont high from the library.

2002-08-13T12:32:00.000-04:00
the last few days have been hightlighted by losing the credit card and then finding it again- other than that..............excatly twelve days- and then six more days- and then eight more days- and then the rest of my life?!?!?! I hate talking on the phone- there are only a few people that Id on't feel so awkward talking on the phone iwth- karen and diana being two of them. I called someone- this friend and it was so hard it - it just dashed my hopes for some reason- it made for a string of phone calls that weren't too great- one of them involving my father, butI don't know if I really want to go there.

april 14, 2001

summers I sat, wishing to live

experience- how do you count it?
I know what twelve forks are fo
but I don't understand you.

society malfunctioned-
at least in soap operas you now the rules
who has the gun- which guy is the father
does it matter tha tnone are like me

hours I spent elated in the idea of talent

revelations are hard work, they take time
then they awaken you on the gallows
a noose around your neck
it's not a public sentence
rather the price painted for enternally believing

stained hands- caught in so many trecherous deeds
and damnation cannnot save them

two housre and nine minutes I cried
gaining nothienr because the stiutation has not changed

years I existed acomplishing medeocrity.

(this isn't apoem or anything it's just what it is, but I find that I am some what still in that dark place.)

2002-08-10T00:37:00.000-04:00
"are you happy now?"- richard shindell

2002-08-10T00:19:00.000-04:00
I wanted to say something bercause jen finally updated. but I I'm not sure waht. I will be on my own again tomorrow. thirty days till school starts- no mail except something I ordered- my dad called- I don't know that I really want to have a conversation with him. my mother is leaving and I don't know that I will recover from the time we have spent together. nothing good has happened to me this summer- I have had to face up to becoming more technically independent . somtimes I think that I could be a fast food worker all my life- do some low pay job so I didn't have to feel anything- keep my life trivial- that 's not an answer no live os trivial- I've been waiting for nineteen years seven months and nine daysI guess the rest of my life won't hurt anymore or any less. slap me now- please. tonight there is no silver lining there is no light at the end of the tunnel not even tmorrow seems that it will be good. I wish people didn't have expectations- and didn't ask questions- I wish that I didn't care if .....I wish it all didn't seem to hurt so much- I wish money didn't make the world go round- I wish it all wasn't made to be so diffulcult- I wish you were here or I was there- I wish I had one whole albumo f all my sad songs just to listen to on repeat right now. I wish I could have found my sandals in brown and that I had written more stuff this summer- I wish that .....there are some things I still can't blatently say- words that I don't want to speak because it seems to curse me even more than life has already- cursed in the simplest way- my life is livable even good- I havn't had a totally raw deal, but.....sometimes I just wish I was a coccoon on the cusp of erupting into something beautiful.

2002-07-30T17:52:00.000-04:00
this is a day when I kinda sorta hate my lot in life- there is something about my personality or maybe in just my circumstance that leads me away from so many htings- so many people. this probably doesn't make too much sense- someone I know had resurfaced and that is great- wonderful, ahh but I hate the way I react to others lives I have such a jealous envious side and...I'm tired, but I don't know what this next school year will bring- Ikinda feel like I've been in stasis for three months.

2002-07-25T22:30:00.000-04:00
one more month- and then just two more weeks- sometimes I think it's the only thing that gets me through a shift- and the only thing that keeps me up at nihgt. I've been very sad lately- I've been such a child lately- but I don't know how else to act. at work I try to remember lyrics to springsteen or dylan songs and end up humming "highway patrolman" all day long. after my mohter got here she said that paula gave her the impression I was lonely- and then asked if I was- and I wanted to scream to do something= to really get her attention, but as usual I just shrugged it off water off a ducks back- or somesuch thing as that. I am glad that fall is starting to approach- that is my favorite season- I love red leaves and cool winds- I like long pants and sweaters- now I'm just babbling.

indiana road 231
where my car lays abandoned

slowly in late july sun
the corn stretches upward
I walk into a feild
into a cool blanket of wet air
still searching
but the feilds keep their secrets

2002-07-15T23:55:00.000-04:00
?? HAVE YOU EVER ??
1. Kissed your cousin: the question should be- have I seen my cousins in the last nine years- the answer would be- no.
2. Ran away: nope- dealt with suitcases enough in my life
3. Pictured your crush naked: duh- I do have a dirty mind contrary to popular belief
4. Actually seen your crush naked: no- don't think this shall be remedyed either
5. Broken someone's heart: not that I know of
6. Been in love: sometimes I still think of brian, and then I grow-up and know, no
7. Cried when someone died: yes
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: everytime I fall
9. Broken a bone: maybe a toe, but other than that, never
10. Drank alcohol: yup- my first drink was a beer at okuma in seventh grade- my last was a schiernaf (speeellling!!!!!!) ice at the ed. meeting in may
11. Lied: every day
12. Cried in school: yes, when we had to put bisty down, to top it all off I had to go to geometry with mr. corelis
?? WHICH IS BETTER ??
13. COKE OR PEPSI: coke
14. SPRITE OR 7UP: both have their good side
16. FLOWERS OR CANDY: flowers- sunflowers or wild roses
17. SCRUFF OR CLEAN SHAVEN: sideburns
18. QUIET OR LOUD: crank up the techofolk
19. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES: brunettes- which I would be if I didn't hvae dishwater hair
20. BITCHY OR SLUTTY: bitchy
21. TALL OR SHORT: tall!!!!! tall tall tall- I am still waiting for my extra four inches
?? WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX
23. WHAT DO YOU NOTICE FIRST: shoes and then hair
24. LAST PERSON YOU SLOW DANCED WITH: robert- I had to break his arm to dance with me at prom
?? THE LAST TIME ??
26. SHOWERED: yesterday before I went to work- sevenish (pm)
27. HAD SEX: wouldn't you like to know- the question should be have you ever had sex.
?? WHAT IS ??
30. PERSON YOU HATE MOST: changes every second- though I don't know that I really hate anyone worth hating
32. COLOR: crimson or lime green
33. MOVIE: grace of my heart
35. SUBJECT IN SCHOOL: writing/english/history/something cool
36. JUICE: pink grapefruit tangerine
37. CARS: volkswagon bug- ballerina pink, vintage of course
38. ICE CREAM: vanilla- or cherry garcia
39. HOLIDAY: I really hate holidays- I like that unexpected day in late spring or early autumn
40. SEASON: autumn
41. BREAKFAST FOOD: eggs
?? WHO ??
43. MAKES YOU LAUGH THE MOST: everyone- they think I'm stupid at dairy queen cause I just laugh at everything
44. MAKES YOU SMILE: jen, diana, and karen (right this minute)
45. GIVES YOU A FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU SEE THEM: plead fifth.
46.HAS A CRUSH ON YOU: blech
47. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON: unfourtuatly this guy named John
48.WHAT GUY/GIRL CAN TALK TO YOU AND MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER: karen
49. HAS IT EASIER GUYS OR GIRLS: guys- they have no idea how hard it is to be female
?? DO YOU EVER ??
52. SAVE E-MAILS: yup- most of them
54. WISH YOU WERE A MEMBER OF THE OPPOSITE SEX: never- although I did have a dream once...
55. CRIED BECAUSE OF SOMEONE'S MEAN WORDS: shit-
?? BEST??
56. COLOGNE: ???
57. PERFUME: ???
59. ROMANTIC MEMORY: can't say that I have any romanitc memeories
60. MOST RECENT ADVICE GIVEN TO YOU: never ever get married - given to me by a number of older married women
?? HAVE YOU ??
62. Made out w/ JUST a friend?: no- refer to the sex question
63. Been rejected?: not in normal ways- well not in normally thought of ways
64. Been in love?: not love again
65. been in lust: there are some really sexy guys out there
66. Used someone?: maybe
67. Been used?: I don;t know- but yes
70. Been kissed?:
Who was the last person...
73. You talked to?: someone at work- over five and a half hours ago
74. You hugged?: ummm- probably by diana before I left in may
76. You kissed?:
77. You had sex with?: ignore.
80. Who broke your heart?: everyone breaks my heart
81. Who told you they loved you?: karen, my mother, my father
Do you..
82. Color your hair? normally, but it's my natural color right now- dye gets to be expensive- it's gonna be dark brown when september roles around
83. Have tattoos? no-
84. Have piercings? eleven in my ears and one in my eyebrow- which is finally not infected
87. Own a thong? o0h yeah- purple leopard print
Have you / do you / are you...
92. Stolen anything? yes- when I was four I took a necklace from jc penneys
93. Smoke? not in a long long time
103. Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? I had a nightmare where a woman's arm got torn off in a car crash
104. Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? no
105. If you could be anywhere, where would you be? boston- if not boston- oki- if not oki utah
108. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: yeah- but only if she had the goods
110. Have you had braces?: never but I have to go get my wisdom teeth removed
111. Do you pluck your eyebrows?: ehh senior year a bit- had them waxed twice
112. Do you like hairy backs?: noooooo!!!!!!!!
113. When was the last time you had a hickey?: never had one, but diana has
117. If you could live in the recent past, where would it be? the 60's if not that then the 20's New York and then the whole expartiot scene
118. Do you wear white socks?: I hate white socks, but I wear the ones you can't see in your sneakers
121. Do you eat wheat bread or white?: white
124. Do you kiss on the first date?: not gonna answer this question it's doubly redundant for me
125. Are you photogenic?: not since I was four
129. Do you have any dimples?: no
131. Why do you take surveys? cause I don't sleep so good lately
133. Did you like or do you like high school?: high school and like do not belong in the same sentence construction
135. Who do you want to kiss? at this very moment in time I don't have a hug burning desire to kiss anyone
144. Do you like your nose?: I have the universal baby nose- Paula told me I have a cute nose
145. Do you think you can draw well?: semi psuedo- I like colors
149. Do you write poetry?: yes- that is why I go to school
157. Favorite TV show?: don't really have a favorite
159. Do you prefer a piano or a violin?: piano, but I do like a good fiddle
160. Are you a sex addict?: I'm not qualified to answer this one
186. What is your most embarrassing CD? any of the country ones from whne I was in middle school
188. Are you a daredevil? not really, I'm the mother hen
193. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? when I have a fever and the grass is green there is
197. Where is your second home? boston, but I don't really have a first home
198. Do you trust others easily? NO
201. Do you like sappy love songs? yes- I would do anything for love...grrr
202. Have you ever been on radio or television? if you count oki channel thirteen- or afn okinawa I've been on the boobtube
211. Do you ever wear overalls? I used to- don't own any right now
212. Do you think you are strong? I must be, but I don't think I am
215. What's your least favorite thing in the world? invisiblity
223. I need: a cure for a social defect
225. I want: love- what else
226. I have: hair on my legs, cause I havn't shaved
227. I wish: I could write a poem
228. I love: jen, karen, jamie, diana, laura...
231. I fear: that this is all there is for me
232. I feel: like the black stuff on the bottom of a shoe

2002-07-15T19:20:00.000-04:00
I just want to scream.

2002-07-15T19:09:00.000-04:00
boo

2002-07-15T18:51:00.000-04:00
sorry bout the repeat posts down there somewhere- blogger hates me. I had to fool around with stuff.

not hvaing a good week- not a good week at all.

right now I have no where to go for thanksgiving- since my father and grandparents shall be vagas- want to led me your home?

2002-07-15T18:43:00.000-04:00
the dog's nose is green as the stars fall among the ungreatful.

2002-07-13T19:03:00.000-04:00
you take a walk down memory lane and where do you end up? nowhere. a far sadder place than that in which you started. I guess I never thought I would go so unremembered. which is really the only way I could have gone I guess. but... I guess it's what we all missed out on- I wonder sometimes about how I could have made it different, about what makes me a non-social person- and I really don't konw what it is. but I can see it at work- at dairy queen, but I work with a bunch of high schoolers who act like high schoolers any where- leading a life I didn't lead then- and it's not a place I want to go back to. anyway...a man I know is dead- acctually he was kind of my boss last summer- very nice man- and my father called today tell me to write a letter to this girl I worked with last summer (she's not quite all there in the head) he thinks it would cheer her up- but I wonder who's going to cheer me up. he never seems to see that- it's always write, call, write, call,, which isn't a total truth, but a strong one. he wants to be able to take care of everyone, but I don't even know how to take care of myself...and maybe writing latoya would be a nice thing- one of those squishy feelings, but it won't be real- it will just be a nice pleasentry that I was forced to write by my father- worse than any thank you letter I ever wrote. my mother will be here in three days.

the good thing that happend to me was yesterday I found forty dollars and today I bought some wave clips and am now learning to get retro waves in my hair, I'm excited. I also had the best hotdog on the square today- with lots of ketchup and onions- yum.

2002-07-12T21:58:00.000-04:00
you take a walk down memory lane and where do you end up? nowhere. a far sadder place than that in which you started. I guess I never thought I would go so unremembered. which is really the only way I could have gone I guess. but... I guess it's what we all missed out on- I wonder sometimes about how I could have made it different, about what makes me a non-social person- and I really don't konw what it is. but I can see it at work- at dairy queen, but I work with a bunch of high schoolers who act like high schoolers any where- leading a life I didn't lead then- and it's not a place I want to go back to. anyway...a man I know is dead- acctually he was kind of my boss last summer- very nice man- and my father called today tell me to write a letter to this girl I worked with last summer (she's not quite all there in the head) he thinks it would cheer her up- but I wonder who's going to cheer me up. he never seems to see that- it's always write, call, write, call,, which isn't a total truth, but a strong one. he wants to be able to take care of everyone, but I don't even know how to take care of myself...and maybe writing latoya would be a nice thing- one of those squishy feelings, but it won't be real- it will just be a nice pleasentry that I was forced to write by my father- worse than any thank you letter I ever wrote. my mother will be here in three days.

the good thing that happend to me was yesterday I found forty dollars and today I bought some wave clips and am now learning to get retro waves in my hair, I'm excited. I also had the best hotdog on the square today- with lots of ketchup and onions- yum.

2002-07-12T21:50:00.001-04:00
you take a walk down memory lane and where do you end up? nowhere. a far sadder place than that in which you started. I guess I never thought I would go so unremembered. which is really the only way I could have gone I guess. but... I guess it's what we all missed out on- I wonder sometimes about how I could have made it different, about what makes me a non-social person- and I really don't konw what it is. but I can see it at work- at dairy queen, but I work with a bunch of high schoolers who act like high schoolers any where- leading a life I didn't lead then- and it's not a place I want to go back to. anyway...a man I know is dead- acctually he was kind of my boss last summer- very nice man- and my father called today tell me to write a letter to this girl I worked with last summer (she's not quite all there in the head) he thinks it would cheer her up- but I wonder who's going to cheer me up. he never seems to see that- it's always write, call, write, call,, which isn't a total truth, but a strong one. he wants to be able to take care of everyone, but I don't even know how to take care of myself...and maybe writing latoya would be a nice thing- one of those squishy feelings, but it won't be real- it will just be a nice pleasentry that I was forced to write by my father- worse than any thank you letter I ever wrote. my mother will be here in three days.

the good thing that happend to me was yesterday I found forty dollars and today I bought some wave clips and am now learning to get retro waves in my hair, I'm excited. I also had the best hotdog on the square today- with lots of ketchup and onions- yum.

2002-07-12T21:50:00.000-04:00
you take a walk down memory lane and where do you end up? nowhere. a far sadder place than that in which you started. I guess I never thought I would go so unremembered. which is really the only way I could have gone I guess. but... I guess it's what we all missed out on- I wonder sometimes about how I could have made it different, about what makes me a non-social person- and I really don't konw what it is. but I can see it at work- at dairy queen, but I work with a bunch of high schoolers who act like high schoolers any where- leading a life I didn't lead then- and it's not a place I want to go back to. anyway...a man I know is dead- acctually he was kind of my boss last summer- very nice man- and my father called today tell me to write a letter to this girl I worked with last summer (she's not quite all there in the head) he thinks it would cheer her up- but I wonder who's going to cheer me up. he never seems to see that- it's always write, call, write, call,, which isn't a total truth, but a strong one. he wants to be able to take care of everyone, but I don't even know how to take care of myself...and maybe writing latoya would be a nice thing- one of those squishy feelings, but it won't be real- it will just be a nice pleasentry that I was forced to write by my father- worse than any thank you letter I ever wrote. my mother will be here in three days.

the good thing that happend to me was yesterday I found forty dollars and today I bought some wave clips and am now learning to get retro waves in my hair, I'm excited. I also had the best hotdog on the square today- with lots of ketchup and onions- yum.

2002-07-12T21:47:00.000-04:00
you take a walk down memory lane and where do you end up? nowhere. a far sadder place than that in which you started. I guess I never thought I would go so unremembered. which is really the only way I could have gone I guess. but... I guess it's what we all missed out on- I wonder sometimes about how I could have made it different, about what makes me a non-social person- and I really don't konw what it is. but I can see it at work- at dairy queen, but I work with a bunch of high schoolers who act like high schoolers any where- leading a life I didn't lead then- and it's not a place I want to go back to. anyway...a man I know is dead- acctually he was kind of my boss last summer- very nice man- and my father called today tell me to write a letter to this girl I worked with last summer (she's not quite all there in the head) he thinks it would cheer her up- but I wonder who's going to cheer me up. he never seems to see that- it's always write, call, write, call,, which isn't a total truth, but a strong one. he wants to be able to take care of everyone, but I don't even know how to take care of myself...and maybe writing latoya would be a nice thing- one of those squishy feelings, but it won't be real- it will just be a nice pleasentry that I was forced to write by my father- worse than any thank you letter I ever wrote. my mother will be here in three days.

the good thing that happend to me was yesterday I found forty dollars and today I bought some wave clips and am now learning to get retro waves in my hair, I'm excited. I also had the best hotdog on the square today- with lots of ketchup and onions- yum.

2002-07-09T16:41:00.000-04:00
miles to go before I sleep- frost. the summer is long. I sit, I wait...and wait.

2002-07-08T17:20:00.000-04:00
there's nothing wrong with you, the simple life gets complicated, there's nothing you can do, just enjoy the view, be glad you made it, this far- mary chapin carpenter

2002-07-05T23:27:00.000-04:00
tiny dancer was the song of my freshmen year in college. yesterday at work I burned myself with a sparkler.

2002-07-05T03:24:00.000-04:00
hold me closer tiny dancer...

2002-07-04T16:25:00.000-04:00
I've been wallowing in k's choice and a long book. I went to the record store and visited all of diana's favorite bands and laura's favorite movie. the highlight of my life- yeah. but almost happy and a live album can be a replacement for having a life- right. This is the first day all summer I've laid around in my pajama's till two in the afternoon. do I know who I am ( can you connect the dots) I guess I don't have anything else to say. I don't want to keep throwing this pitty party. I kind of have a crush on this guy at work and I don't know why- he's not really even attractive. my mother is supposed to come in on the 16th- a blessing and a curse- she's staying for three weeks which is kind of a long time now that Ithink about it. I don't know how it's going to be, but I hope it's okay. my dad made me talk to his new girlfriend "barabra" on the phone today- he likes to do that, just put me on the phone with hislatest gal pal- she had one of those sweet southen voices and I couldn't help but think of genie. and right now I don't want to meet barabra- I think she's my dad's version of a mid-life crisis- maybe he feels that fifity five is old, but fifty five isn't old. any way. the parade is going on right in front of the house- it was delayed because of weather- the fourth has never been a big deal- most of the time I just sit around iwth dad or something- this year I'm with me myself and I- who havn't been bad company. I have to work dq tonight- can someone say INSANITY.

2002-07-03T01:06:00.000-04:00
there are times where what you say- gives me words- they arn't always right, niether am I- though I would love to be. I'm reading this really sad book- not sad, maybe difficult and it doesn't help I think I would scream if someone were listening. I havn't done anything all summer- I've sat in my little hole. sometimes I wonder if there is a way to talk face to face, but ... I need to sleep, but I can't sleep and so I get up late and go to work later than I should...there is a part of me that really doens't want to start another day where I know what's going to happen- and knows that I'm just gonna come back here- that I'm gonna hvae a cookie and read a book- that if I throw my underware in the hallway noone will care enought to pick it up or yell at me. and fuck I'm listening to dave mathews band- what is wrong with me. not even my new jeans can cheer me up. I'm learnign a lot though- lessons I knew, but didn't know- it's a refresher course in hoe un-cool and uninviting I am. I sonder a lot if I'm scary or intimidating- I know that I don't talk, but people don't ask and if I just talk then I always come to a point where I feel like I'm pushing myself on someoen and I don't want that, I just want some sort of fucking human contact that has a face, but mostly I would like someone to be strong for me.

2002-07-01T18:18:00.000-04:00
for you there has been someone- and maybe ending are hard, but from here where I sit in the peanut gallery all I can so is so fucking what...I would give anything for that kind of pain in my life...it beats this existance hands down any day of the week.

I guess I;ll be twelve forever..huh.

and no I'm not having fun- all I do is work, read, sleep, drink slushies and eat dream cicles and the occasional pbj.

noone to wonder where I am always home by ten because I have no where to go.

I wrote a poem once about stale bread and ramen- kc really liked it - and I think I'm begining to live that life where doubt and despair play the tune.

2002-06-25T23:07:00.000-04:00
I;m in that mode where you work and eat and watch tv and sleep and I hate it. dairy queen loses it's tarnish and the cherry dipped cone I went to scherreville to get wasn 't such hot stuff. I'm ready for summer to be over- I don' tknow tha tI can take two more months of this shit. if my plane to atlanta left tomorrow I would be so happier, my ahppieness would only be surpassed by the day seven days later when I got on a plane to boston. there is a poem I always think of tha tI wrote probably two years ago, but it was lost with the three binders- maybe that's what keeps me up at night.

2002-06-22T01:03:00.000-04:00
I worked fucking ten hours today. I'll work eight tomorrow, and any where between nine and seven on sunday- that's life with my two jobs. my feet hurt, but I kinda like working drive, I hope I get to work there everytime I work till close, it's the highest volume of orders and the least amount to clean. if you love me send me an e-mail.

2002-06-17T18:59:00.000-04:00
why do I always get so so disapointed?I thought that I had dug myself out of that pit...I havn't had a day this bad since the 20th of october. the point is...is that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. karen is my saving grace...I wish I could move to utah just to be able to be around someone who loved me. there is something scary- the fact that I could so easily end up living the rest of my life this way. it took exactly ten seconds for this day to go to shit. I don't want this to turn into something crapy- this entry. befriend everyone, be nice to everyone because in ten words you could destroy them.

2002-06-13T23:27:00.000-04:00
these walls, oh these walls. I'm watching beleive me, and I'm reading and gleaning. don't forget I'm here.

2002-06-13T23:20:00.000-04:00
got up early went to dq. went to jewel. did stuff mom told me to do. called mother. got pissed off. went to get haircut. got haircut. went to work. came home. got messages from mother on answering machine. called mother. left message. made dinner. watched tv. finished daisy braclet. got info mother wanted off internet. called mother again. left another message. sent mother e-mail containing link to information on the internet. turned up the ani. blogged.

2002-06-12T22:44:00.000-04:00
poeple's parties by joni mitchell is my theme song.

I'm a little lonely all by myself in this apartment. I get up in the morning watch jenny jones eat cearel go to work come home from work wash work shirt make dinner watch some more tv get online go to sleep. anyway...my sunburn really really hurts-tan is the way your body protects your cells from frying- that's why I don't go tan- I got this sunburn from owrk because I'm too stupid to wear sunblock. I have registar training tomorrow bright and early- yay- and a hair cut which I hope will be fabulous. if you have any extra money send it to the pep up kate's summer fund.

2002-06-04T11:42:00.000-04:00
mom got a transfer to england- no more oki. I wish I had known that at chirstmas.

2002-05-28T17:02:00.000-04:00
welcome to dairy queen, how may I help you?...well okay they don't let me say that yet- but if you happen to be in the cp area and stop into dq there is a possiblity that I will be there.

2002-05-22T15:48:00.000-04:00
I remember why I don't like corn...or indiana really. I have just had a bad day and it's not even three pm- so give me a call- send me an e-mail- even write me a letter. uggg.

2002-05-01T00:35:00.000-04:00
well okay now...my first year of college is pretty much over. I am scared shitless, about getting a job, learning the stick shift, living on my own (if only for two months) but still, that's a lot. It every summer brings another drastic change in my life now, another upheaval. I'm a little tired, I want to spend my summer listening to State of the heart and reading Anita Blake novels, and I hope I'll get some of that in over the summer. I'm used to being in a new place, but some how that doens't make it easier, or it does, but I know what I am looking forward too and it's not always bright. anyway...to that one person out there right now I have to say I feel you, but my scream goes back to a betrayed ten year old, and an almost abandoned twelve year old, and an unpopular fourteen year old,-- it's an old song but someone has to sing it, and I sing it as well as anyone. you voice these cries, and I have them written down somewhere, they are saved till a day when I will no longer need them.

2002-04-06T12:22:00.000-05:00
fuck this time and place- ad.

2002-03-27T13:36:00.000-05:00
I posted soemthing last night, but I guess it didn't take.

anyway, I have this idea this story or soemthing I want to put together, but it isn't working...

Susan is a fifty-five year old middle class woman who eats with her husband at the country club on Sundays and spoils her dog rotten because she never had children. She holds on to the old fashioned ideals from her up bringing and a bachelors degree in art history. Susan has an ever changing decorative scheme in her house, her garden is alive in color, she drives a 22,000 dollar car, and has one style of turtle neck in twelve exciting shades. She at one time worked as a decorator, and at a nurses association administering flu shots. She takes care of an old grouchy woman, but also uses the handicap sticker when she can’t get a parking space.
Susan carries a purse like a majority of women. On this day it’s just a narrow black bag, very in style, but the old lady version. In her purse there is a wallet complete with cash, credit cards, receipts, pictures, drivers license, TGI Friday’s senior citizen discount card, and a bunch of random slips of paper that meant something at one point but have been folded for so long most of the text is illegible. There is also a check book with an up to date register and a Publix discount card. She carries around a rather unattractive blue pouch with make-up related things in it: lipstick, chap stick, lip liner, mirror, aspirin, band aids, and a little alcohol swab. Squeezed under the blue pouch is a cell phone, just in case and the car keys, which always seem to fall to the bottom. To top it all off there are at least two hankies stuffed in the corners somewhere, white hankies with lace or little embroidered flowers.
Susan also carries a number of bags with her, either her latest buy or her latest return. Everything’s a possibility and why would you want to try on clothes in the store so you wouldn’t have to bring it back. Half the time it’s some decorative piece that didn’t hang right or isn’t quite the right shade of white.
All those things are tangible, they are what we quickly glance over before we move onto something more visually intriguing, but it can not be said that that is all she carries. Susan carries around the desire to have children and the knowledge that she has a dog. She carries around the thought that she will outlive her husband who has already had bypass surgery, the question as to why the study of Dutch renaissance art didn’t turn out as she thought it would, and the wonder as to why she settled in Crown Point Indiana and not New York City.
On this day the 17th of March she is carrying around a boy named Danny after having dug him out of a box the night before. Danny, the younger man, the last high school boyfriend. The kid who came back on leave from a little war in Vietnam with tuberculosis and jungle rot you could stick your finger though. The guy who carried Susan thought the paddies, scrawling her name on his helmet, writing letters, and dreaming of coming home. This boy she wrote essays for in Social Studies, who was so tall and blond went back to the war and never came back. And now thirty-four years later he is still a presence still a great weight and with him she trolls the malls looking for completeness and a finality that eludes even the most diligent.

I don't want this to read like a character discription, but...I don't know...

2002-03-21T21:06:00.000-05:00
hmmmmmmmmmmm. I have things to say, words that I won't speak. I have to say that you made assumptions like a twit, and we all do it, but you didn't ask. I am the bad guy, but they didn't want to hear it either. that's all I have to say. okay maybe not but that is all I am going to say

2002-03-18T18:33:00.000-05:00

apparently this is me...

You seem to be trying to sweep aside the situations (and maybe the people) that you feel are standing in your way. You are impulsive and apt to follow these impulses seeking to be involved in special or exciting happenings. In this way you hope to deaden the intensity of your conflicts, but your impulsive behaviour is leading you to take some unnecessary risks. Back down a little and remember 'more haste - less speed'.

You dislike playing the field in every sense of the word. When you develop a relationship it needs to be a close fulfilling one, one that has deep meaning for all parties concerned.

It is amazing that you yourself believe that old 'adage' that you are a misunderstood person - and you feel that because of this you are being left out in the cold. It is because of this lack of believed understanding that you feel the need to conform to society in general - but this situation leaves you 'cold' knowing that you are not appreciated for your true self. Any relationship that you are developing at this time does not seem to involve any true emotional commitment, you seem to be just playing along.

You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.

2002-02-17T15:10:00.000-05:00
laura is:

2002-02-14T00:27:00.000-05:00
you do not know the character of beacon street till you've walked from arlington to glouster at midnight. next time it snows at night you'll know where to find me, I think it would be pretty then, pretty and spooky, it's like no place you've ever been before.

2002-02-13T00:34:00.000-05:00
my good intentions went out the window and now I have to write a one page excuse on why my paper will be late. and I would write it cause it's only twelve thirty, but I have complete writer's block. this is supposed to be an interesting piece so I dont' want to just bang it out, plus I have real respect for John Coffee and I would feel bad if I turned in a real shitty paper...maybe I'll get an idea later, maybe I'll get up at eight and ...or maybe I'll just sleep, my neck hurts.

mood: ugggg
np: joni mitchell- blue is a kick ass album, I suggest you go get yourself a copy.

2002-02-08T16:22:00.000-05:00
okay, doubt doubt doubt, heh, you would think I would be able to write about something fucking esle. I acctually feel silly now, I feel silly a lot of times. I don't understand where I went wrong, where I stopped being who I was and became this superficial at least in living my lfie. sometimes I wonder if I have anything more to say, I've been living the same days over and over for the past four years. it's hard when you're ready for a new phase of life, but it just isn't there an dI don't know if I can really do anything, I guess the idea that I can fix it that it has soemthing to do with me, and I wonder if it does. if I'm just not right, if I'm just wrong, if I'm always going to be this way, why couldn't someone fucking tell me, why do I asking this questions and beat around the bush, mostly because I'm embarased, can't get past that anymore. still a fucking child, I wonder if jamie will marry before I ever have a relationship, it's so possible, it's tangable. can I ever stop being twelve, can I ever stop living in that cracked utopia. I don't think that I can leave that room, and those memeories, they always haunt me.

2002-01-29T11:23:00.000-05:00
take you life without the chemical distractions, I have to be who I always was, don't you know that, I'm always that one, and I live that one life. as far as importance goes, you're right up there next to Millay or Ginsberg. I havn't written anything in so long that I think I've forgotten how to, that scares me. Last night wa slike the house of horrors, yesterday was like walking a tight rope blindfolded, I don't think I have recovered from it all, don't think that I can be the same, but I will be. all my resolve disappears with the desire to be accepted, and if the shit hit the fan with you, I'd be there to listen, promise. sometimes I wonder how I am going to survive, don't they see I'm faking it, that I don't really know anything. well...

mood: urg
np: ani difranco- swan dive

2002-01-28T19:03:00.000-05:00
okay, well....god I don't think I'll ever understand. I'll forever live under this rock and quietly deal with my issues.

2002-01-23T22:50:00.000-05:00
fuck you too. ahh, the torrid turns of small nations.

I can't find the slot, so I think that maybe I'll go find my local bookstore that has a copy of bitch and find some sanity.

2002-01-22T00:39:00.000-05:00
every song has a you, a you the singer sings too, and you're it this time, baby, you're it this time- ani difranco.

2002-01-20T12:44:00.000-05:00
so I'm back, well...I just spent a month in stasis, in somekind of field where I'll always be twelve.

so I know what to say, that may be a question to ask. sometimes it's hard to get up the courage to knock. always so afraid of making a fool of myself, always, everyday when I get up, to the moment I am asleep. sometimes I feel that even though we are friends, even though we have this history, I feel I missed out on half of who you are, what you did, I'm missing background info, and important facts, hmmmmmmmmmmmm. and it's not like you always kept secrets, it was like I was supposed to know telepathically, you were my only source of information. I was the last one to know, and sometimes I never knew, still don't know.

2002-01-17T09:14:00.000-05:00
i'm wondering if that's an invitation. I would say something, I truely would, but i don't know how. and I look and I see, and it seems safer to keep my mouth shut, less like it could hurt, less like I'll make a fool of myself. we live different lives, I never realized how different. I went out and about without you, and it was kinda dull, nothing in the stores, nothing really exciting, with the exception of dip n dots.

2002-01-14T08:28:00.000-05:00
I've been misplaced, or I should say, the girl I was. it's a long sad story, for a writer that is.

the money is pounding my brain, it's poking me forcfully with sharp things, and I think she's gone. i've had this block, this one nasty thing staring me in the face so intently that it blended into the background.

I may be on oki next summer, that would sure solve the driver's lisence problem, it would save me much, I wouldn't have to be caught in the pincers again.

I think that I am caught in those early months of being sixteen. I don't remember any exact days, just hiding behind the set with some chemistry. in March it will be three years, since that fatefull night.

my father called, wondered why I hadn't called him. I could ask who was the one who always called long distance, on those days when she couldn't stand it anymore. so, I'm not anymore, not when they're is money involved, maybe that's something he taught me. lets say the wounds havn't healed.

I miss karen, and all those long talks on the phone. it seems to keep me grounded, and on some level I don't feel a need to compete with her. it's hard to realize what a different life you lead.

I went to a new years party, I was home before two thirty. Casey thought I was drunk when my wide hips sent some things crashing to the ground, needless to say she was. do I really want to get mixed up in all of this again. I really thought that I had mastered it, but how childish were those words. he saw right through them.

ahh, diana, why did we not remember what it was really like to be home?

mood: my eye hurts
np:ani difranco-reckoning

2002-01-07T01:54:00.000-05:00
bye

2001-12-29T22:04:00.000-05:00
OKAY, okay already.
why do we never talk about the important things, can you tell me that. Why are we, we, and we never talk about the important things. and it's all okay, isn't it, or is it all going to be okay, will it be okay. will YOU be, not okay, okay is bad. will YOU be stupendous one day?

mood: well...
np: I don't think music plays here

2001-12-18T22:12:00.000-05:00
I want to ask what's wrong, but I don't think it's possible. Could you please read this and know that I care, could you just tell me, no matter how heavy it is. we never developed that kind of relationship, maybe because we've been alone so long, because we don't know how to communicate on that level, are we embarassed. I can't think of my life without you, my friend that made me less uncool, my friend who was there enough so that I'm still here. When I look up from my computer I see you, and I remember the days, the hours.

I'm trying to go back in time, I remember the black days the most, I remember them like they happened yesterday, and maybe they did. I'm going "home", or maybe not. I miss laura. I'm hoping that things go smoothyly tomorrow, they better.

I e-mailed david and ruth-ellen, no reply, does that mean part of my life has died? I never thought david liked me very much, I don't know why, he's so intimidating for such a little man. I miss ruth-ellen, I miss sophmore year, I miss it all, even as it killed me.

mood: you can't go home again
np: sleepwalker- the wallflowers

2001-12-08T23:43:00.000-05:00
SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2001-12-08T19:55:00.000-05:00
I am sooo tired, I did my christmas shopping for the girls here it was fun. I am litte peturbed though, maybe just with my life. I'm excited about not having class, but not about christmas itself, the holidays suck, but it will be fun to see jen and robert. also my mom and george!! meow. =)))))) I have so many papers, things will be better after wednesday, then only one finial left. YAY. I'm home on my birthday, fun fun.

2001-12-06T12:10:00.000-05:00
to comment on the comments of the comments on something somone else wrote, I call my dormroom home. I sleep in my bed here I snuggle with my teddy bear here, I cry on my pillow here, I shower in the crackwhore batheroom, so why isn't this home.

2001-12-02T16:09:00.000-05:00
the worst, most absoulute bad thing, they call a day and living. roles, my roles, havn't changed, they havn't fucking changed.

standing with a raging heart
upon cool cold tile
in the black bathroom

np: mcc- state of the heart album
mood: fucked over

2001-12-01T02:22:00.001-05:00
talk about the weirdest greatest, sorta kinda little bit let down day. Wow that was a lot to say. Well everyone got their guy- laura, diana, karen. That's great. we danced to the beatles in honour of george harrison. I saw my frist shakespeare on stage, Othello was pretty good, we won't get to see Tommy though. Things were great for everyone and I laughed and listened and was my normal self, but it's always going in the back of my head, "what about me". I'm the mother hen again, it's okay, so will I forever be jenny's pillow, or something more. there is one guy I have any realistic hopes for, and well maybe he's out there, maybe you're here, and maybe you understand. I just hope I'm not missing the mark. I may look like I'm on the tail end of youth, but I guess, nevermind. I'm waiting, I tell you I'm waiting, so when are you going to say something, huh, when are you going to grab the courage, that niether of us have. (the question is, but what if I'm wrong) please, tell me I'm not wrong, that's all you have to say. Diana got her hair cut, by her date, it's the cutest hair in the world.

mood: I love all my friends to death, there is another side to that coin
np: diana typing in the background

2001-12-01T02:22:00.000-05:00
talk about the weirdest greatest, sorta kinda little bit let down day. Wow that was a lot to say. Well everyone got their guy- laura, diana, karen. That's great. we danced to the beatles in honour of george harrison. I saw my frist shakespeare on stage, Othello was pretty good, we won't get to see Tommy though. Things were great for everyone and I laughed and listened and was my normal self, but it's always going in the back of my head, "what about me". I'm the mother hen again, it's okay, so will I forever be jenny's pillow, or something more. there is one guy I have any realistic hopes for, and well maybe he's out there, maybe you're here, and maybe you understand. I just hope I'm not missing the mark. I may look like I'm on the tail end of youth, but I guess, nevermind. I'm waiting, I tell you I'm waiting, so when are you going to say something, huh, when are you going to grab the courage, that niether of us have. (the question is, but what if I'm wrong) please, tell me I'm not wrong, that's all you have to say. Diana got her hair cut, by her date, it's the cutest hair in the world.

mood: I love all my friends to death, there is another side to that coin
np: diana typing in the background

2001-11-16T14:46:00.000-05:00
god, last night rob says he writes like allen ginsberg, I could so kill him, the prick, the idea that anyone could write like ginsberg, I don't think rob has that kind of humanity. it's more than a long winded style. How much do Ihate you rob, you bastard, you insignificate ego inflating dick head. I won't say how much, but it runs deep and wild. saying that you write like ginsberg is like taking the lords name in vain, worse.

2001-11-13T23:42:00.000-05:00
fuck me. eh.

today went to shit, I am having my personal minor dificulties with Her and She. This happens alot, since I live in the castles in my head. and what noone knows will only hurt me, but that is my personality. I am wrestling with this beast, this thing and I can't deciede, I mean should I be the spontanious spirit or should I follow this old ass voice in my head, that practical ass hole that can't shut up. man. Karen called, that was my highlight, the daylight. Tomorrow is wednesday, and that means I get to see tapper, I always look forward to seeing him and hearing what he has to say, does this remind us of anyone else, namely him that is not to be named, the shithead. The stench of puke in a prison cell. I don't know, I just can't see tapper as a pretentious bastard, maybe pretentious, but not a bastard. I could be wrong, been known to be wrong. talked to om, it's so weird, I really think that there is nothing but friend ship on the other end of this connection, but I don't know. I know that no one thinks he's hot, but he's so sweet, and funny, silly. ehhhhhhh. anyway, thanksgiving is right around the corner. Can I kill She, please, I can hide her body, then I never have to be less, then I can just hibernate here, she always asks the questions, but I defy by telling the truth even though it hurts, even though it kills, even though I have to smile to fight the demons. there's a world where I can go and tellm y secrets too, in my room, in my room- heh Idon't think so. in this world I lock out all my worries and my fears, in my room, in my room- they just follow me there, fester there- do my dreaming and my schemeing lie awake and pray, do my crying and my sighing laugh at yesterday= grr, now it's dark and I'm alone but I won't be afraid inmy room, in my room- yeah right alone- in my room, in my room, in my rooom, in my roooooom. brought out the album, meatloaf is on the airways.

mood: crushed beyond all recognition
np: I would do anything for love- meatloaf

2001-11-10T18:56:00.000-05:00
I am about to die, my sinuses are all swollen and all I wanna do is sleep. my roomy is bringing ice-cream home, go meggy. anyway things hang about the same. there are bullets and ghosts rattling through my brain.

mood: blech
np: hissing of the radiator

2001-11-09T00:55:00.000-05:00
something kinda made things better, have to wait to see how things progress thought.

mood: better than five minutes ago, that's what happens when you just keep the edit window open.
np: silence

2001-11-09T00:43:00.000-05:00
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,vfuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck

and it doesn't look like a word and more, but that's what I feel when I look in your direction and know, why do you piss me off so much in these obscure ways, learn your fucking geography.

mood: I'll only give you one fucking guess
np: the angry sound in your ears that makes you want to scream

2001-11-09T00:35:00.000-05:00
for diana I am updating. there are people in the vacant rooma cross the hall, who are they we don't know. now there is a hunt to find out who they are and what they are up too.

today on the news I heard that a guy fell of the Kittyhawk and any mention of the kittyhawk reminds me of Scotty and any mention of Scotty reminds me of those six months. the months that I hated as I lived them, they were like walking broken glass, I don't think I've ever cried so much, and I would come home and talk to mike and go to bed in the wee hours with very little left to live for, it's funny how that has become some of the best times in my life. So basically I've been tangled up in the past and thinking about David and Ruth Ellen hoping to see them at christmas.

I have something to say about Her, but, well. I guess that I'm just not going to go venturing that way for a little while. Her will be incongnito for the weekend, which actually isn't a bad thing, it will make me independent again. It's funny though cause I saw a glimmer of light. Things do not work out for me, every sword has two edges and I inevetably fall on the wrong side. Things will be okay though, I guess. BUt things are as they always are and I don't know that that isn't truly okay, but it is normal and I guess that's what I've always wanted. Meaning that it is normal for me, cause endless hours on my own is normal and maybe I'd be more inclinded to be that way if I lived by myself or was more secluded, but when I have to watch ppl, when I have to see them, it just stirs these things inside of me.

tomorrow is the Feurer midterm, goodness. I don;t want to take it, but ahdlkjasdflk. anyway enought about school, oh wait one more thing, my judaism freaking long ass test is open notes, go rabbi al.

I'm kinda sad because no one was online today, so I didn't get to talk to anyone except robert for about two seconds before I took my ritutial tuesday thursday nap.

I saw tapper, and he lookked at me, but it could just have been that he was sitting in a place so as to make that something one would do without thought. ugg

mood: ehh, still chugging along
np: refrigerator noise

2001-11-06T21:54:00.000-05:00
okay, so I'm taking a break from homework- not that I've done much of it. The One- goodness, she needs a brain transplant or how about a judgement reassesment, or a realignment of the important things in life. Other than that, today was nothing much, had a nice nap which just messed up the schedule I had assigned myself, but oh well. uggggg. I'm adding another player

ob- the guy who just is really confusing

I talk with ob all the freaking time and sometimes I think that he likes me, but then maybe it's just his personality, maybe I'll find out at christmas. ggrrr, you are/were so confusing, what is your problem. maybe it's my problem. *sigh*

the room kinda has a sour smell, gotta fix that, and right now I am kinda cold, oh well.

by the way I'm insane. I bought this coat but it kinda opens at the bottom and I stressed all day about taking it back to filene's, that is so me. I think that I may just keep it to teach myself a lesson or something, but that is kinda backward, I should take it back to teach myself a lesson, but laura said it looked fine. anyway...

mood: urm
np: girls just wanna have lunch- weird al

2001-11-04T23:06:00.000-05:00
why do you try to decode my secrets, oh The One, screw you too, I was hiding and I perfer not to know now so screwed up I am okay. we need our tactics, becaues I know that my life is a war, me against all of fucking you and now, now it's not the same anymore, I am no longer mysterious and it's another thing to drag me down. why can't you understand that if you are silent they will come and that there is a time to be silent and there is a time to just calculate. sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had not be so outgoing that one night, if I had just gone back on my merry little way, then I wouldn't know you and...

mood: arggggh
np: when I was a boy- dar williams

2001-11-04T19:08:00.000-05:00
the players in the game

me- of course
her- that one girl, not overly dramatic
she- likes to make lists
the one- dreams of plaid
tapper- him, of course
knee- verically challenged, the greatest
Fifi- that one fucking person who rides your last nerve

that's all for now

I saw this guy in drag on the common today, his wig was really bad, and that's so what gave it away, the rest of it wasn't bad. that is the frist guy I've seen in drag in reallife and it was cool, he was just standing there looking at something, like we all are.

Her, She, and The One are driving me insane, and I can't just be fucked anymore, I have to be smiling and all that crap. ehhh. I kinda miss driving my car around the flightline with the music turned up, doing over the speedlimit when no one was around. I should remember to do that at christmas, that are so many things I want to do, and I am going to do them damn you.

Fifi totally pissed me off as always, why does she think everything she says is in good fun. Some of us don't know what fun is anymore and every kniefe kills even if it's only made of rubber. Is our relationship just to be a battle, if it is then I really don't want to take part in it. it's just not worth it. She thinks that when I respond I'm just following along with her, but I mean it. I mean every fucking work that I say.

havn't seen tapper, but I know that nothing will ever come of anything, as per usual so I'm not really too too bummed, but it would have been so nice.

I miss knee, miss her, as I miss everything that is the past.

there was this person, and I don't know, I thought it could be love, and then I realized what that meant. and then I read their face and knew that I'm just a desperate person. They like to do laundry on saturday nights, and smile. what would it all mean thought, what would it all symbolize in the great hemingwayian novel in the sky, and I would probably make a good Catherine.

mood: frugck
np: let's just say Bat out of hell II- the whole album- Meatloaf

2001-11-04T14:20:00.000-05:00
fuck me, today is gonna be one hell of a day I know it. ehh,

mood: ruck
np: silence

2001-11-04T02:49:00.000-05:00
I just put in Meatloaf, track six, and you know waht that means. it's not on repeat yet, though. there are things I want to say, but I don't know how to hide them from you, so I'm silenced again, silenced because I, I don't know. I can say that you are not adult, and but some wise girls pointing out I know that I am not adult. you keep talking and I keep talking., I don't want to be like you. I was like this before. I don't know what to do, I don't think that there can anything done. and girls believe thier boyfriend problems are the worst, let me tell you there is something worse

mood: fuck fuck
np: objects in the rearview mirror- meatloaf

2001-11-04T02:40:00.000-05:00
goodness, realize, who I am. that I am not like you because no one was willing to hug me. And then take one fat flying leap into oblivian, because I can take only so much of the obvious. you, you sit here and sing my praises, that doesn't make me like you. sometimes you are sane and then others, other times make you someone who was never twelve. I'm still twelve, in more ways than anyone understands right now. What do you know, do you know who I am do you realize, of course not because you want my recognition. and the vicious cycle begins again. ehhh. I only desire what I feel I've never had...

mood: fucking hell
np:seventeen- janis ian