I've been reading my diary from when I was a little kid. looking at the huge scrawled words, only three to a line. seeing the page I glued together so victoria couldn't read it- I don't remember what was so secret anymore. it's funny when you realized you've barely changed. that even though you've grown up- that people tell you that you've changed, you havn't really. the same powers still push you forward. I feel trapped in the forth grade limbo- I guess it's not so bad- this has to mean something good will happen, don't know if I've reached the bottom yet.

jamie gets married in nine months and eight days. I won't believe it till I see it happen.

there is one thing in my life I've always wanted. well it's not really a thing- it's a not a man either. I've wanted it since I knew they existed. I hate that people don't think- I dislike that they don't claculate with simplicity

I dislike the fact that I ended up in a lonely family where no one is allowed to have strong ties. I don't want to be my mother in 35 years.

I got all A's in school this semester. I remember in third grade, the first year we got real grades- I was so close to all A's but I think my language arts grade droped and i got a b. I dont' really care though- it's odd- I didn't really. I mean I was a little bit part of the compition, but only because others thought I was smart- you know. I'm not even trying and I don't know what's happening.

I'm ready to be thirty- so I guess I understand jamie getting married- wanting this limbo of youth to end. I want to be established and all those things. whatever

today was a waste of breath- but I am going on a jaunt in november. I'm excited.

today- was a total non-day the only light at the end of the tunnel- the aquirement of a copy of Bitch.

this girl who shall remains nameless pisses me off so much BECAUSE I DO FUCKING EXIST DAMN IT AND I DO HAVE A FUCKING NAME, but if you are just to good to aknowlegde my existence then be a total ass hole, I really don't care.

I apoligize for the previous post, just a bad day, like all the other bad days. I woulod really talk about it, but I feel like such a retard- you know. I can still feel it somewhere, I can feel the dream, and it just makes me sad, almost violently so and it doesn't help when I peruse a life I don't have but was so close to. yeah and the stone came out of one my favorite rings, but I did go sit out on a bench and watched the red line crossing the river, it didn'tmake me happy just cold. I saw this guy who lives in 132 and I gave him you don't know it but someone ripped my heart out looks and somehow I think he understood. why do we go to public places when we want to be alone? ehhh.

why do I do this to myself, fuck why, why can't I just leave it all alone, why can't I just mourn the past- the facts that leave me free floating, but I can't. I see them smile an dI know that there is no good reason that I wasn't allowed in, that I'm never allowed in. the reasons I'll always be the nazi loudmouth fuck up talentless thing. why the fuck am I still stuck in high school, why can't I fucking have fun- why do they fucking smile so much. I would tell you the wonderful details of my dream, but it's tooooo tragic, to close to my heart

today is the kind of day that I'm gonna spend killing myself with memory because it hurts the most, more than any physical object ever could.

I had the worst dream of my life last night, because when I woke up it wasn't real.

expectation has gotten the best of me again, but this time I had an inkling and I have a plan. the plan the written word- which saved me before. it's hard cause I'm still in that limbo place and I havn't settled in, but I will. there is always a way to over come, but someimtes you are waiting for your ship to come in and in the end it wasn't your ship but instead the ship of your doppleganger and that is just the shits. ehh if you want to bring sunshine into my life send me an e-mail.

ditto- in ten years I will be on the cusp of thirty. that doesn't make me feel old. I have no idea what I will be doing in ten years- I'm not very good about imagining a real future. in ten years I hope to have graduated from emerson and some masters program. I hope to hold a job that has something to do with writing and creativity. I won't have grown at least not physically I'll still be five seven and a half or five eight- I have no idea where I will be this continent another one- married or single. I will have sixty four year old parents living a world apart in different retirement communities. I will still be writing- hopfully will have published something by then. in ten years I hope to have seen new york city and florence. I want to conquer my fear of chicago and have sold some beadwork along the way. in ten years I still want to be firends with stephanie, karen, jamie, jen, diana and laura- in ten years I want to learn how to really write a letter I don't want to have to worry about money. it would be fantabulous if I could own a vw bug. but all in all in ten years I just want to be a better version of myself who has lived ten full years and experienced much.



I've packed three of my boxes only one to go. I still have to tweak the packing of my suit case and clean around the house. I closed my bank account and can't believe that I'm holding this much money in my hand- it's so weird. can't decide what I want for dinner. hmmmm.

I can't sleep- I can't cry- I can't scream loud enough- I have a date with a pint of ben and jerry's and a mash rerun.